Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
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My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.