How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
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I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Mhm.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”