If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
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Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
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It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I wish this was real life…
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Still cracks me up
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”