“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
No laws when master is gone
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one