Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
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David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.