waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
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Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
WTF
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
*frowns in Scottish*
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom