I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
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Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
found my next D&D character name
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.