Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
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[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that