Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
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I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
This is my pinned tweet
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?