librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
You Might Also Like
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Haha! 😂
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Friday night party time 🥳
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog