I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
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I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
not seeing the problem
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.