My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
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I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.