ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
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Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott