If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
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Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Me trying to walk in a dream
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work