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Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita