Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
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what kind of cook setting is this??
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Knock Knock
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.