Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
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My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.