Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
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[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”