I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
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ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked