You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
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RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I’m crying im so happy for them
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I wish all tests were things you peed on
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?