I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
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I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.