My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
This will teach them to underestimate me
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
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