When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
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Banana is the quietest snack
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.