Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
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dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
this is what they would have looked like, though
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA