STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.