[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
You Might Also Like
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Anime is real
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me: