Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
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I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep