You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
You Might Also Like
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I’m crying im so happy for them
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.