Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.