Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
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[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?