[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
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Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
For the ones in the back.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here