Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Bloody internet 😳
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes