ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
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Challenge accepted.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
What kind of a cult is this?
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right