me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them