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Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??