*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
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I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
When you kidnap a writer.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment