Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
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When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.