My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
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never deleting this app.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Peter Parker Peter Driver
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x