Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
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GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.