“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
You Might Also Like
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes