There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory