Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
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Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
23. the denim jacket
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.