[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
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i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/