ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
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God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
*feels the wind in my toe hair
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?