Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
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him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Netflix and you sit over there.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
my favorite genre of twitter
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
These 3D printers are insane!