1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
You Might Also Like
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Love thy neighbor’s dog
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*