a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
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My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Y’all ready for this
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.