doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
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My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Aight bet
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you