I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
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I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”