A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
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Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
(more comics:
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs